Pretty is not enough
I have a guy friend who is constantly frustrated with the women that he dates. The relationships (if they can be called that) always start off really strong and then… poof… it all falls apart. Being the great friend that I am *pat myself on the back*, I sit, listen and offer words of hope and inspiration.
However, one day I really started to think about his situation. I have found that if there is always a problem, and usually the same problem, it may not be the other person. It may be you…
I asked him, “What qualities are looking for in your mate?”
He replies, “Well, I like long hair, a nice body and she has to have style.”
I admit, I was a bit perplexed, “Is that all?” I asked.
He nonchalantly responds, “Yeah.”
Problem solved. If you are going into a relationship, I prefer to call them situations because most of time it really isn’t a relationship, and your focus is on the physical characteristics of your mate; you are almost certain to be headed down a road of destruction. To venture from situation to relationship, you must have some common ground out side of physical attraction and the common interests of enjoying to go out and watch movies.
A relationship is a lot like building a house. You can disagree on the amenities of the house (curtains, rugs, tile color) or the little things in the relationship (favorite restaurant or sports team) but when it comes to the foundation, it has to be solid. The foundation of your relationship should be based on a common sense of values. One of you can not think breaking the law is no big deal while the other aspires to be a police officer. This may be an extreme example but you have to know your core values (honesty, fidelity, etc) and not compromise for the sake of sexuality or beauty.
I almost got engaged once. As we were contemplating the decision, I asked him, “What do you think we have in common?” He thought for a second and responded, “We both like to go out to eat and we like to watch movies.” That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I was about to commit the rest of my life to someone who believed our commonality was the same as him and about 80% of Americans.
In a previous post, The lost art of dating, we discussed how going through the dating process is also the time for you to move your situation to a relationship. In many instances, pretty is not enough you need to find the substance behind the looks because what’s hot today may not be so tomorrow.
Have you ever dated someone and realized that pretty just wasn’t enough?
Lakesha, you have a great point regarding the “house building” analogy. “The foundation of your relationship should be based on a common sense of values.”
People have been hurt and go through relationships as quickly as going through a drive-thru restaurant.
When they just need to understand that all good things take time and “situations” can turn out good or bad.
I loved the article!
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Lakesha,
This is a great article. I’m glad that with age comes wisdom. I often feel like if everyone were blind, we’d all be able to truly find our soulmates. B/c quite often, we disregard what’s right in front of you, all because we want to fill our frames…picture frames that it. We are so busying wanting the picture to look great, we disregard the core of the person altogether. Lucky for me, I’ve grown wise enough to know that it’s definitely more than the outside that will keep the relationship going.